Week 1, Day 7 - Life's a Beeeetch...

Didn't weigh this morning.


I don't know when this feeling will ever end. I feel like I'm always TFC even though I try, try, try to be The Diet Diva. I really do. But lately, I feel like everything I eat is being put up there for all to see and judge. I feel like I'm on this (huge) pedistal and everyone is laughing and pointing at me. There's got to be some better feeling than this. I feel like such a loser and not in the good way.

There are many reasons why I am as big as I am. The first reason being that I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) which can upon being, activated for lack of a better term right now, bring huge weight gain for no explicit reason. So while, always struggling with my weight, I was following weight watchers or atkins, going to the gym, working out, I was constantly putting weight now. What do you think this will do to a person who has always been watched for what they ate and put on diets (thanks, mom! @@). It makes them feel like a complete utter failure and that the whole system is a farce. That is how I feel right now.

Do I know what to do? YES.
Do I have the necessary tools to do it? YES
If not, do I have the means? YES
Do I do it? NO

And I honestly wish I had an answer for that NO. I wish I knew why my head and my mouth don't seem to connect. I am just never satisfied. Granted there are issues here. I don't stand up for myself, I get tossed around. I'm very intuitive and I can tell when someone is not being genuine (READ being used and manipulated by my mother for the last seven years) and yet I am feel incapable of saying NO, STOP IT! So what do I do - become a wet noodle (it just always comes back to food, doesn't it).

So here I sit, depressed, sad and feeling like a failure. Loneliness doesn't help either.

Could I be social? YES
Do I want to be social? NO

I don't know why that is. I guess it's the whole failure thing. I seriously have to turn this all around. I am due a change, I am due good things to happen!!!!!

SIGH,
Your favorite failure :(